Is this the Bizzaro World Global Warmists had envisioned???
- My mind tends to wonder (even more than usual) this wondrous time of year to Ghosts of Christmas past. I remember as a young boy in New Jersey, my father loved to put up Christmas lights and displays. He was fabulous at it...we were always the most decorated 'house in the hood' even before they started giving out prizes for it. One year he went all out....thousands upon thousands of lights and all kinds of displays. He even went up on the roof and put up Santa's sleigh and 8, not so tiny, electric reindeer. Very cool! I'm not sure what we did to the power grid in that area of jersey but I do remember the electric meter spinning at something like Warp 9 ("Scottie, we need more power!") and how our lights twinkled inside the house (even tho they weren't twinkle lights). Great stuff......even today I smile!
Um...we need a bigger dylithium crystal
The problem was Dad was not as good, nor as anxious, about breaking down the Holiday Spectacular after the holidays. So there we were in mid-March, as the thaw began, bringing it down. As we were in the process, a car slowed and the driver put down his window, "Hey buddy why don't you put freakin bunny ears on the reindeer and leave them up for Easter"? Ha Ha!!.....it was actually pretty funny and I wondered, maybe worried is the better term, if only for a second, that my 'old man' wouldn't pull off the transformation.
This year's Hallmark!
-So this holiday season I am watching my friend's two puppy terriers, Rudy & Leon. Yes, my life has come to this. I'm a part-time Dog Walker now......that's something like a distant understudy to an Associate Dog Whisperer (who also always carries a small supply of waste disposal bags). I'm not sure I see this as a career path, and intend to keep the day job as a 'paper boy', but the puppies are so cute and they call me 'Uncle Lou' now. (I'm a quick study on that dog whisperer thing) Anyhow, last weekend there was a Christmas parade on the island and I jokingly asked Rudy & Leon's parents where their little holiday outfits were....... "In the downstairs hall closet", without pause, the reply came. YIKES....I'm committed or should be! Before I made time to carefully think this through, I had them dressed in their 'holiday best'...... sweaters, mufflers and head gear. They looked dapper, tho Rudy was none too fond of the antlers and Leon preferred wearing his Santa cap like a beard. What I had not anticipated was that this little island parade was big stuff & a contest no less. Had I completely lost my mind???
Ice Ice Baby in her Float
Most of it is kind of a blur now, but I vaguely remember Rudy & Leon dragging me down the road while they hob-nobed with their canine brethren (sniffing is more accurate)......all the while I was 'waiving to adoring throngs' along the route like I was on a float in Atlantic City and, oh yes, simultaneously trying to dodge 'the presents' left by the horse drawn carriages leading this whole charge. Thank Santa Claus there were liquid refreshments at the end of the cavalcade and no one got a picture of me for the cover of the widely distributed 'Harbor Town Sun Times'. That honor, deservedly, went to Ice Ice Baby!
-Holiday Dirigibles - At what point did inflatables, originally intended for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, become suitable lawn ornaments??? Yesterday I saw Snoopy riding a tractor being pulled by Donner & Blitzen...... In light of current economic conditions and since this has become a billion dollar industry, I am in favor of a luxury tax on anyone who sells or displays these in their front yards. Let's get a handle on the deficit folks!
-Rockin Around The Christmas Tree----It's going to be a simple Tennessee Country Christmas for everyone. All y'all are getting a personally handcrafted Elvis pet rock this year. No feeding or medication required. If, by chance, you have received a pet rock from me in the past, expect a festively decorated pine cone instead!
Santa's Village as shown by NORAD
- For years now, at least the last 2 anyway, I have debated the myth/the man.....Santa Claus. After all, how can a fat man in a red suit, whose only work-out includes a steady diet of milk & cookies, make it around the world dispensing gifts in just one night??? Recently I have been given indisputable proof, including a photo, of his existence. Among the two million or so apps available now, there is one for tracking the annual journey of the jolly old elf supplied by NORAD, the folks responsible for the aerospace defense of North America. I don't know about you but I will rest easier tonight knowing there IS a Santa Claus, NORAD has got our backs & my 3 year old grandson will show me how to use the app on my iPhome come Christmas Eve.....
I'd like you to know I've been pretty good this year (but then you knew that already, ha-ha, didn't you....) I know in years past I had some doubts and also made a few comments about your weight, but I do believe, truly I do, and I'll be tracking your journey this year. (By the way, any chance you and the reindeer can do a couple of loop de loops around the Memphis-Arkansas bridge?). As far as the weight goes, hell we've all put on a few lbs this year. Tell you what tho, I intend to run the St Jude Half. So after this year's trek, you're welcome to come hang & train with me for awhile. (You need to lose the beard & the red suit tho....& don't even think about BBQ) I'm sure Mrs. Claus wouldn't mind and you gotta need a break from those dam...um elves! Of course if I were you, I'd probably pick a secluded spot in the South Pacific. Just sayin...
I want you to know there are no hard feelings that last year's 72" plasma flat screen I wanted ended up at my neighbor's house. The jumbo pack of tube socks you left for me was really nice. No need for another pack because they have lasted me all dam year. I'd still be chuckling over that talking fish head you gave me too but I re-gifted it for someone else's enjoyment. Hell I don't even fish....but I think you got the last laugh with Bass Pro setting up shop right next to my house!
Anyhow Big Guy, no offense intended, I wish you much luck on the annual journey & I'll be grateful for most anything I get (but if a NEW Harley shows up at my other neighbor's house with a bow on it this year, you and I will have to have a serious conversation!)