Tuesday, January 24, 2012


It’s the time of year, for me anyway, to start thinking about New Year Resolutions, and this year, I am staying ahead of the curve making these effective for 2013.  I am convinced this is a good thing because not only will it give me more time to form the habit (& what the hell I’m already late for 2012), it also reaffirms my belief in another calendar year & a denial of the Mayan prophecy’s end of the world.  Besides being ‘timely challenged’, I never believed in enacting New Year Resolutions before the Chinese New Year & since I have absolutely no idea of when that it is, I’m right on schedule.  Researchers say over 75% of resolutions fail before the second month…… essentially making those people losers!  I am a firm believer in giving myself every opportunity to succeed, feel good about myself &….. my God, don’t researchers have anything better to do with their lives?

* I will no longer procrastinate in reminding myself not to procrastinate.

* I will immediately cease stopping at all yard & garage sales.  I realize this vastly diminishes my chances of appearing on 'Antique Roadshow' but it also virtually eliminates the possibility of ending up on an episode of ‘Hoarders’. 

Drag Toilet Paper App

* Not only will I always check for toilet paper upon using a public restroom & the bottom of my shoes upon leaving the same, I will also alert any poor snot that is inadvertently dragging a 3ft 2 ply remnant behind them.  Sometimes it may be best to have an App for that.

* I will no longer forward chain emails that contain an implied threat, bad luck, loss of friendship, sudden fame, abduction by aliens, fall from grace or instant wealth if friends, coworkers or people that I barely know decline to drop what they’re doing and forward it on in the next 30 seconds to 10 of their closest BFFs (starting with me).
Now, if something unfortunate, unforeseen or unexplained happens to me in the near future, you may want to rethink this one for yourself.

* I will always give my coworkers the benefit of the doubt. If my Elvis Is Pez Dispenser turns up missing, I will NOT send out a dept-wide email angrily accusing someone of stealing a prize I got in the fourth grade for winning third place in the “What Arbor Day Means to Me” contest with my poem: The Silent Song of the Spanish Maple.  If something is irreplaceable, either because of sentimental or monetary value, I will have the good sense not to leave the cherished item perched on the edge of my desk. 

* I will no longer congratulate a woman on her pregnancy unless & until I am 105% sure she is pregnant & by that I mean her water will have to break right in front of me &  possibly even more than that.  Trust me! There is no where to hide when this salutation goes horribly wrong even if clearly evident she is hiding more than a basketball.  “Is it a boy or girl?”  It’s neither you dumb s*#t!

* I will make a concerted effort to not be ‘The Mayor’ of anything…..nor will I ever make it a goal of mine to achieve the top score on Angry Birds.  However since I did such a great job in Farmville, I will plant a garden this spring!

* I will buy a super jumbo bag of napkins this year.  It is no longer acceptable to empty out the dispenser at Papa John's or Mickey D’s or even break out, from the deep recesses of my pantry, those Lordy Lordy-Look Who’s 40! napkins and later pawn them off as designers. Understand, it’s not that I’m frugal but more an issue of  bachelor lifestyle, combined with the fact that I seldom write a ‘list’ before going to the grocery store in preference to ‘winging it’ & unfortunately napkins are something that never seemed to get winged.

* I will always, always, ALWAYS hang up my keys upon entering the house.  Knowing, not only will this save me countless hours of frustration from yelling fiercely at inanimate objects accompanied by an unusually high level of cursing when my A.A.A.D.D.D. (Age Activated Attention Deficit Dysfunctional Disorder) kicks in.
Hey you’d make this a resolution too if for some good reason your keys ended up in…say….the oven!    I’d bet a dime to a dollar that yours have ended up in some ‘unlikely’ place for a very rational reason too.

* I will NOT update either my iPhone or my iPad  to just keep up with the Joneses (& budgetary constraints of course) until at least well into the year 2013…..unless either  contains a teleportation application  & my God……we're probably at least 3 or 4 versions away from that I’m thinking. 
'Scotty, beam me aboard' not so wild now huh?

Yessiree.......I’m feeling pretty good about being able to handle these!